I went to see IDLES this past Friday. they were terrifying; it was wonderful.
here’s where the issues started though. I remember when I started my sober journey my therapist was adamant to get upset if I have one or two backslides. it seems like unless someone turns to soberism for extreme health features, it’s very likely they’ll have an episode or two where they step back into drinking. I obviously thought that I was above it.
turns out I was not above it.
getting semi-shitfaced pre-concert was not good for me. but I think something in me snapped in that moment. it was a ‘David if you’re in the pool, go into the deep end.’ in hindsight, not a great idea but I was convinced I needed to prove to myself that it wasn’t worth it, that drinking again would not make me better. so I decided to drink the whole weekend.
(if you got some type of message from me this weekend about having drank a little, know that it was a lie — I drank a lot)
friday: 3 beers and 2 mescal shots before the concert / one beer at the concert / a Guinness and two pours of fernet after the concert
Saturday: a cup of bourbon before a party / 4 vodka sodas and a beer at the party / one vodka seltzer after the party
sunday: 4 glasses of wine and a fernet / ended the night with a glass of bourbon
consensus: fuck this. there were so many moments over the last few months where I thought to myself that maybe starting to. drink again would be worth it — it isn’t. I didn’t feel good this weekend, at all, the slight buzz during it all was ok but once it wore off? horrible. and bloated, like fuck. Sunday morning I had a little belly and I was so self conscious.
look, not proud. not happy. and aware that diving into the deep end isn’t what most people would do but for me it solidified the idea that I do not need alcohol and it gave me a stark response whenever I wonder if I want to drink again: I do not. ALSO FINANCIALLY? DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH $ I SPENT DRINKING? I do not even know how or why I did this so soften before.
all in all, an okay weekend. I have bruises from the show and i’m nursing a cold, but apart from that I learned my lesson: alcohol is not for me (anymore).
i’m going to keep drinking water to flush my system + snort some more Tylenol to get this fever down. wish me luck.